Wednesday 14 March 2012

Breathe through THIS? Are you SERIOUS?!

I don't know why I've come to a bit of a block with my blog. I need to get over it and so have just opened a new post and started typing with no intent other than posting a post.

So, what's been happening? Mindfulness is still going well, although I've not been practising it as much as I should, it is still a really useful tool for dealing with anything in life not just pain. I've been finding myself much happier just being, not having the constant need to block everything out. I never used to be happy sitting in silence, now I am quite comfortable to sit, soberly, with no music or television on and just exist and inhabit my body and mind as fully as I can. To start with when doing the Mindfulness, I really struggled with the concept of 'moving towards' the unpleasant. Surely not I thought? How on earth can concentrating on something like pain make it any better? For a couple of weeks I really couldn't get my head around this idea. Then it sort of fell in to place. By blocking out the unpleasant, we also inadvertently block out the pleasant. If I'm constantly trying to ignore a pain in my shoulders I am not just blocking out the pain in my shoulders but numbing myself to all bodily experiences. There is also the realisation that all pain is fluid, ever changing. When blocking out pain, we can't actually totally block it out as we are always aware that this pain exists. For example recently I've had a really bad neck that has been very painful indeed. By moving towards this pain I was constantly aware of when it changed and as such the times when it was better. Even though it was one of the worst pains I've experienced there were still moments where there was some relief from it and this in itself was a very pleasant experience. By trying to ignore the pain I would've, got up thinking 'I am in pain today' and then done everything I could to ignore the pain. By moving towards the pain, there were times when I was, for example, laying on the sofa and I realised the pain level had actually dropped quite significantly. So rather than it being 'Today I Hurt' it was 'Today I Hurt and......' Pain doesn't have to be solid, if we focus on it we soon realise the even smallest fluctuations in it.
 The same goes for mental pain, if I'm feeling like a bout of depression is coming on I usually try and resist it, yet by doing this I am also blocking out any nice feelings I might be having at the same time and also not looking at the reason for why the depression might be appearing. If I move towards the fact I'm not feeling so chipper, sometimes I can find a reason for it and as such work on that reason or even just by having found a reason begin to feel better. I think with depression I get so scared of NOT finding a reason and it being clinical (which in my experience is harder to move through) that I do everything I can not to think about it, but more often than not this just prolongs it with The Beast grumbling away in the back ground and I'm aware of its threat hanging over me. If I face up to it as soon as it appears, it no longer seems like The Beast, more of a small ant or something - it can be dealt with, doesn't have to be feared and also has its uses.

I haven't had to apply this thinking in a real depression situation as yet, and I am sure that when (if?!) I do, it will be much easier said that done. Let me tell you, with that neck pain it was very very difficult to breath through it and move towards it. There were points when I was thinking "f**k this hippy crap, this f**king hurts go away go away go AWAY" and I am sure I will have times where I have the same response to mental pain. Yet I can already see and feel the benefits of changing my way of thinking about myself, about others and about the world, so I shall continue to do this and practise it and hopefully get better at it with time.

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